Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
 
THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
 
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So was killary :ROFLMAO:
But she didn’t hide away from public like Joe is wisely doing. If they can keep him out of sight until November, he could actually “win”. Clinton made the mistake of opening her mouth. She also didn’t fight back. Either Joe needs to duck Trump or come out swinging to win. I don’t think he has the facilities to fight Trump. I will give ol’ Donny credit where it’s due, he’s a fighter and honestly a funny guy. Very entertaining if the free world wasn’t at stake. So if Joe comes out of hiding, he’s done.
 
Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
 
Good Call Coach

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb @$$' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
 
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.


She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
 
Long introduction
Joe Biden was a guest speaker at the golf club dinner. As Joe stood up to speak, a few of the men saw it as an opportunity to sneak off to the bar. An hour later, with Biden still talking, another man joined them. “Is he still talking?” they asked him. “Yes,” the other man answered. “What on Earth is he talking about?”

“I don’t know. He’s still introducing himself.”
 
What do the MMA and Trump have in common....


They both do events in empty stadiums
 
Biden is taking a walk along the potomac

Suddenly, he trips and falls in. His secret service agents can't get him out, but 3 teenagers playing on the opposite bank save him.

Elated, Sleepy Joe tells them he'll get them anything they want.

The first one says he wants a brand new house, Bunker Biden calls his sons china banks and sets aside money to buy this kid a house.

The second says he wants a Bentley, so Basement Biden calls a car dealership and buys one, and has it delivered.

The third says he wants a wheelchair.

"Why?" asks Corn pop Biden. "You look like you can walk fine."

"Yeah," replies the kid, "but wait until my dad hears about this on the news."
 
Hey Gotnitro tried to PM you but said I couldn’t. The wife and I are going to go here Saturday probably take the Coronet not the bike though. If you’re interested.
https://www.nwherald.com/2020/06/23/mchenry-county-back-the-blue-ride-planned-for-saturday/ac3nohc/

PM sent
The Rich Husband
A cell phone on a bench in the locker room of a gym rang and the man next to it put it on speaker, so everybody could hear.

Everybody immediately stopped talking to listen in on the conversation.


WOMAN - "Hello?"

MAN - "Hello."

WOMAN - "Hi, honey, are you at the club?"

MAN - "Yes."

WOMAN - "I've been shopping around and found a beautiful leather coat, and it only costs $2000. Can I get it?"

MAN - "If you really like it, sure."

WOMAN - "I also stopped by the car dealership, and there's a new model that I really like."

MAN - "How much is it?"

WOMAN - "$90,000"

MAN - "Sure, get it, but for that price, I want all options."

WOMAN - "Great, and one last thing."

MAN - "What is it?"

WOMAN - "I was talking to Sarah a couple hours ago, and the house I really wanted to get two years ago is back on the market now."

MAN - "How much is it?"

WOMAN - "It's $980,000."

MAN - "Alright, offer $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, another $80,000 is worth it if you really like it."

WOMAN - "Okay, I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN - "Bye, I love you too."


The man then hung up. The other men in the locker room were looking at him with surprised faces. The man looked at them and said "Anybody know whose phone this is?"
 
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