Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the men in the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning, the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.
 
Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts.
So his teacher kept him after school.

When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said,
“I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m very proud of that fact.”

The teacher says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.
Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.
Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.

She was willing and as she repeated the process.
Johnny then peeked up underneath her skirt.

“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly, “you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”
 
Snoring Cure

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

"I don't know where we were ... or what we did ... but, by God .

We took FIRST and SECOND place
 
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
"You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about
or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
 
A Scottish Golf Story

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

"Yes, I do," said Shawn. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."
 
Doctor? Are You OK?

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.


'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.


Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.


Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.


When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.


When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. 'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks. He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!'
 
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Are Computers Male or Female?


The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
 
Guy goes into a bar and sits down on a stool. He asks the guy next to him if he wants to hear a good blonde joke.
The other guy says "Hold on a sec... see that guy behind the bar? Is 6'3" and 280 lbs. He is blonde. See the 2 guys behind you? Army Rangers and blonde. The guy on the other side of you is an MMA fighter.... blonde. And I am also blonde. Are you sure you want to tell this joke?"
He answers.... "No, not if I have to explain it 5 times".
 
Fridays Plan.
Hire a babysitter and tell them the kids are asleep upstairs and not to be disturbed.
When I come home I'll ask her why the kids are missing.
 
3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again.
Then said, "We have reached your destination".
The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver.
The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?".
The 3rd guy replied,
"Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
 

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