Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

[Be Ready]

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says,
“I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?”
The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight.
When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man 
gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams,
“Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

 

[Just Joe]

What’s the opposite of Progress?? Why it’s Congress of course!! Sad but true!!

 

[Be Ready]

Ever wondered how many grapes you can eat while grocery shopping, before they say anything?
18... That the magic number,

 

[#ARRMArcfanboy4life]

What’s the opposite of Progress?? Why it’s Congress of course!! Sad but true!!

lol

 

[Be Ready]

I had a student that worked nights after the school day ended. Several time he fell asleep during my class [the last class of the day.] Most of the time he would be awake by the last bell. But once, all the student had collected their books and things and walked out the room. And the guy was still asleep. I collected my papers, book bag, keys, and umbrella; and I left the room too.
The next morning, when I got to school and opened the door to my room, . . . .
No, he wasn't there! The cleaning crew had awakened the boy and sent him on his way - well rested and ready for work.

 

[Be Ready]

Two girls in a small Dutch village are riding their bikes home from school. One girl says, “I’ve never come this way before.” The other says, “It’s the cobblestones.”

 

[Be Ready]

If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.

 

[Be Ready]

 

[Be Ready]

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and apply some lubricant....
Bonus joke...

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everyone who can run jump, swim are already in the USA....
Thanks Joe!!

 

[The Bean]

Why do scotts wear kilts? So the sheep don't hear them zip

 

[Be Ready]

 

[Be Ready]

 

[Be Ready]

1. "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the dam umbrella.

 

[Be Ready]

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? ..... A rip-off!

 

[Be Ready]

What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus?....
Your wife always loves blowing the bonus...

 

[Be Ready]

 

[CameronCodes]

Y'all ready for this...

Your mom

 

[The Bean]

My phone has a diagnal of 6.67", so I was making some size jokes about it.

Well, that backfired. Somebody said: he's overcompensating

 

[Be Ready]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

 

[Be Ready]

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant ?
He forgot to wrap his whooper....