Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

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I like dis food
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Last week a guy gets in a cab going to the airport.
He wants to ask the driver a question and gently taps him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control, ran up on the curb barely missing a parked car and stopping just inches from the front window of a packed restaurant.
The passenger says, I'm sorry, I didn't think a little tap to get your attention would scare you so badly.
Driver - No, it is entirely my fault. See, this is my first day driving a cab. The last twenty five years I have been driving a hearse.
 
A Man bought a mule from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back," said the Man.
"Can't do that,” replied the farmer. “I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Man and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
"Didn't anyone complain?" asked the farmer.

"Just the guy who won,” said the Man. “So I gave him his two dollars back."
 
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving galveston beach well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."
"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"
"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.
"Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?"
 
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule." "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead." "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'Thats once.'"
 
One of the British National daily newspapers asked its readers: “What does it mean to be British?”

“Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer.”
“Then traveling home, grabbing an Indian Curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a TV made in china”
He buys a holiday in Spain, skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.”
Doesn’t know how to spell “whisky” and wants to live in Canada.
And the most British thing of all?
“He is suspicious of anything foreign.”
 
gotnitro said:
One of the British National daily newspapers asked its readers: “What does it mean to be British?”

“Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer.”
“Then traveling home, grabbing an Indian Curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a TV made in china”
He buys a holiday in Spain, skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.”
Doesn’t know how to spell “whisky” and wants to live in Canada.
And the most British thing of all?
“He is suspicious of anything foreign.”
Click to expand...
I'd be offended.... But this is true
 
A husband died and a few years later the wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death do Us part!"
 

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