Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

The Bean

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Or when your 'water hungry'. Not thirsty. Water hungry.

When you have an extreme craving for something, like for food when you're hungry, but for water, not food
 

Be Ready

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A forester who often has to consult property owners to determine
boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he
encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep
Out...This Means You!"

Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative
landowner.

When he was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me
again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way."
 

Be Ready

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I'm in a bar and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me.
I say "Cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them yells, "It's Wales, you idiot."

So I said, "Okay, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that.
 

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Tea is an Evil Substance!
I was out with Friends till about 3 AM drinking beer as the Wife sat home drinking tea.

You should have SEEN how angry and violent she was when I got home!
I was peaceful, silent and I headed to bed as she shouted at me.
This went on all night and up to nearly noon!
 

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A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.
They explained, "Since there was no health threat you'll need to call the Sanitation Department."
When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor."
The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, "Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
 

Dutch

Mom always said "Drive like a Maniac"
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I went fishing last weekend and there was this guy splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, "I can't swim! I can't swim!"
I said "It's alright, sir," pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway." 🐄
 

jkflow

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Not a joke, actual news story but still funny :)

Some wooden posts meant to build a fence were stolen off of a property in Canada's town of Porcupine Plain. Police were stumped, but soon, they found the culprits down by the water - beavers. They had their own crafting to do building a dam, after all, so the wood was a steal. Local news called that event the ultimate Canadian heist. The beavers will not be charged. It's clear they didn't give a dam what the wood was for.

https://www.wvtf.org/post/canadian-police-find-culprits-who-stole-wooden-posts#stream/0
 

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I was in a Night Club a few nights ago and this really ugly Woman came up and grabbed my butt!

She said, "Hey sexy! Can I give you my phone number?"

So I asked her, "Do you have a pen?"

She replied, "I sure do!"

I said, "Then get your butt back to it before the farmer comes looking for you!"
 
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