Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

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Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.”

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.

Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”

“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year.”
 
New wife

One evening, after the honeymoon, peepee was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so
much of your time out here in your garage.”

“You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection
and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you
should lose all those stupid RC Cars, model airplanes and your home brewing equipment...”

"And what's the use of that vintage hot rod?”

peepee got a horrified look on his face.

She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

“Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

peepee replied, "I wasn't..."
 
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee,and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
 
One airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline has a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
 
Be Ready said:
One airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline has a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
Click to expand...
I had a landing like that into Denver during a blizzard last year. Felt like we dropped out of the air the last 15 ft. Must have bounced another 10 ft before "landing".
 
Be Ready said:
How do you make a Republican mad ? ..................... Lie to them !
How do you make a Democrat mad ? ...................... Tell them the truth !
Click to expand...
Seems like that is backwards... ??
 
The First Text Message
Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again.
Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.

The Response
John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, shoots his wife then stomped next door and shot his neighbour dead.
He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and went out into the garden for some fresh air. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbour.

The Second Text Message
Hi John, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to ˜Wife”. Technology hey?? One day its going to kill us all.
Regards, Alan.


///////////////////////////////////////////////////


A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job.

Eventually, he comes to a brothel with a "Help Wanted!" sign in the window.
He walks in and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here establishment, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do."

"Like what?" Says the man.

"Well, can you read?"
"No."
"Can you write?"
"No."
"Can you at least add or subtract?"
"Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!"
"Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat." the manager gives him.

The destitute man walks out of the brothel and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cart full of apples for sale for 25 cents.
The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!"

Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the apple cart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars.

Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story.

"Well I can't do that." says the man.
"Why not?" Asks the surprised reporter.
"I can't read or write... How do you expect me to sign my name?"

The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you cant read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!"

"Well, I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a brothel."
 
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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said....
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye just from bird poop?"
"It was my first day with the hook."
 
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
 
A man walks into a bar the bartender is a gorgeous looking woman,
On the wall behind the bar is a sign that says Ham sandwiches $5 Handjobs $10.
The man ask the bartender “excuse me ma’am are you the one that gives the hand jobs?”
She replies “well yes sir I am

Well wash your hands then I want a sandwich
 
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime
Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says,
"Johnny, those boys are making fun of you.
Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
 
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
 
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.
 
Earl and Cletus are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Cletus says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife........ she ain't spoke to me in over 3 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over Cletus....... women like that are hard to find."
 

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