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FREE SEX!

There was this gas station in back country trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a local customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from one to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed eight and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
 
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
 
I went into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with
extra hot fudge.

The Blonde behind the counter replied, "Sorry. The hot fudge only comes in
one temperature."
 
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Jeff? Do you think you’ll be next?”

This stopped quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
 
Just Married

A Redneck couple had just been married and went to a hotel for
their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for
a room. He said "This here is a very special 'casion and we
need a good room with a strong bed."

The hotel clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?

The Redneck fellow thought about it a while and then replied,
"No, I guess not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets
used to it."
 
One morning, a husband returns the family boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”).

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the Game Warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
 
If you get the Corona virus twice...
Is it called Dos Equis...?
 
Wife and I were sitting at the table, having dinner. She drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

I nodded and said, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
 
CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two
college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each
of
them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
 
Be Ready said:
CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two
college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each
of
them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
Click to expand...
Life goals!
 
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
 
Viagra’s Secret Recipe

I knew we would find this out someday. They finally released the
ingredients in Viagra:


3% Vitamin E

2% Aspirin

2% Ibuprofen

1% Vitamin C

5% Spray Starch

87% Fix-A-Flat
 
Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a Member of Congress!"
"Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
 
Ed: The same bike tries to run me down every day.
Fred: Sounds like a vicious cycle.



I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.
 
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two
consecutive sentences.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna
give him a really tough sentence
 
Little Mary Margaret

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student at St.Alphonsus Elementary
School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a
Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "Very good",
and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that "dang" thing in me one more time, I'll break
it in half!"

The Nun fainted
 
What brand ma’am?

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The first lady asked, "What's that?"
The second lady said, "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it? asked the first lady.
The second lady replied, "Oh, you can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the first lady hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old) but very delicately he asks what brand she prefers. The elderly lady replies,

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
 
A Horse?

M W D (Mad Wife Disease)

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him
and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine. "Ouch!! What was
that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary
Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of
the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked
him out cold. When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called".
 
A man came into the Sheriff's. "I understand that the burglar who stole from my home a month ago has been identified and arrested. I would like to talk to him".

The Sheriff asked, " What do you want to talk to him about"?

The man replied, "I want to ask him how he got into my house that night without waking up my wife. I've been trying to do that for years."
 

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