Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

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Wise Tidbits

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Number 3 and 12 really hit home.... LOL!
 
A Search

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Oregon, and talks with an old

rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for

illegally grown drugs.'



The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there'

and he points out the location.



The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the

authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear

pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the

farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever

I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I

made myself clear? Do you understand?'



The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.



A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the

DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's

prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the

officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he

reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher

throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his
lungs.....


'Your badge! Show him your badge!
 
A Search

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Oregon, and talks with an old

rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for

illegally grown drugs.'



The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there'

and he points out the location.



The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the

authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear

pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the

farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever

I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I

made myself clear? Do you understand?'



The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.



A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the

DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's

prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the

officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he

reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher

throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his
lungs.....


'Your badge! Show him your badge!

Thats funny AF :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
 
The Worst Age

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a natural bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80 year old, "eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60 year old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
 
Let my sister have a go on the Typhon... this is how she held the remote ?
 

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Poweful Stuff

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest
came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,
she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it
on a cat's @ss and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
 
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."
 
No Fooling the Flies

An Old North Dakota farmer got pulled over by a N. Dakota State trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing it, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are Ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well, yeah, if
that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the old N. Dakota farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found circlin' around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's @ss?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horse's @ss."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
 
1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
 
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
 
One Wish

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an on coming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
 
It’s the Thought that Counts

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a
beautiful young lady on his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring
priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand .. I want something very unique," he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.

"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that
everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank
tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very irate jeweler phones the man.

"You lied; there's no money in that account."

"I know, but what a fantastic weekend I had!"
 
A male patient recovering from Covid-19 is in the hospital. He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on a hospital bed. A young nurse came to clean his body with a sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly the man ejaculated on the nurse's hand. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco and says loudly, "Thanks but I still need to know...Are my tests results back?’”
 
Are Zoo Kidding Me

A Wild Animal Park acquired a rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, this new female gorilla became
very difficult to handle. The veterinarian determined
that she was in heat. To make matters worse, there
was no male gorilla.

Reflecting on the problem, the administrator thought
of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern,
responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Eddie had little sense, but possessed ample ability to
satisfy a female of any species. The administrator
thought they might have a solution. He approached
Eddie with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate
with the gorilla for $500?

Eddie showed some interest but said he would have to
think about the matter. The next day, Eddie said he
would accept, but only under the following conditions.

"First, I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."
The administrator agreed to this condition.

"Second" Eddie said "You must never tell anyone about
this." The administrator again agreed.

"Third, I want all the offspring to be raised Southern
Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

And last Eddie said "You've got to give me another
week to come up with the $500."
 
The Sunday School teacher wanted to know how much the children knew about religion.
"Bubba," she asked, "where does God live?"
"In our bathroom." was the reply.
"Who told you that?" she asked, astonished.
"Nobody, but every morning my daddy pounds on the bathroom door and yells: 'God, are you still in there?'"
 
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50
dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll
take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's
50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word
was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I
did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out,
but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
 
Famous books by Chinese authors:

Overpopulation in China by Wei Fuk Yung

Spots on the Great Wall by Whu Flung Sh!t

The Art of Oral Sex by Suk Mei
Hawaiian Rapist by Come on I wanna Lei ya
50 Yard to the out house by Willy Make it and Betty Don't illustrated by Andy Didn't
Get Fit by Jim nasium
 
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