Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate
links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate and private OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers...

Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50.

Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $100. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant , from the security detail assigned to the ship, stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass???"
 
An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.
The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors.
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middle aged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.’
‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient.
‘Why?’ asks the doctor.
The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’
 
Be Ready said:
An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.
The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors.
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middle aged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.’
‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient.
‘Why?’ asks the doctor.
The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’
Click to expand...
Now this old joke comes to mind.

A lawyer dies and meets St. Peter and the Heaven's gate.
The laywer says: "Why am I here, I'm only 40 years old!?"
St. Peter takes his book, looks at it and replies: "Well according to your billable hours you must be 85."
 
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck," the other added.
 
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they decided to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a "thank-you" note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and those jerks deducted $95.00 in taxes."
 
A recent article in "The Dominion Post" reported that Nancy Pelosi has

sued Angel Memorial Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery

there, he lost all interest in sex.

A legal spokesman for the hospital replied:

"Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery.

All we did was correct his vision!
 
Two golfers were on a course one day. It just so happened that the 9th hole was near a road that ran by the golf course.

As one of the golfers was going to tee-off a funeral procession was passing by. Seeing the funeral procession the golfer stood up, placed his hat over his heart with the club at his side as the funeral procession passed by.

After the last vehicle passed, the golfer put his hat back on and began to address the ball.

His golfing buddy broke the silence; "Fred, I've golfed with you a lot. I thought I really knew you but that was the nicest gesture I've ever seen from you. Did you know the deceased?"

Without looking up from the ball, Fred replied; "Yes, we would have been married thirty-seven years ago, tomorrow."
 
An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman: "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie... "

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says: "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
 
My old job was selling burglar alarm systems - door to door. And I was really good at it.

If nobody was home, I'd just leave a brochure -



on their kitchen table.
 
Insurance

As the 93 year old lady finished her annual physical examination,
the Doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age,
Mrs. Green, but tell me, do You still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband", she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:
"Bob, do we still have intercourse?"

There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I've told you a
hundred Times. We have Blue Cross!"
 
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters *PNEIS* into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered spine are doctors today.
 
An elderly old man from Florida owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back that was properly shaped for swimming. So he fixed it up nice with picnic tables Horse shoes and courts with peach and orange trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while.

Before he went, he grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared to pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presents as they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted "we're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, " I didn't come down here to watch you naked women swim, or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket in the air he explained, "I'm here to feed the gators"
 
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $20,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $2,000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We're getting a new kitchen.”
 

Similar threads

#ARRMArcfanboy4life
Jokes, memes, funny stories, and funny quotes.
Replies
6
Views
786
The Bean
The Bean
Rip King MC
Post your favorite RC jokes.
Replies
5
Views
1K
AIan
AIan
Back
Top