Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

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A Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"John," the new seaman replied.
"Look. I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy &^^& they're teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don't call any one by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John, Here's what I want you to do....."
 
Lost little Girl standing in the middle of the Mall, tears steaming down her cheeks, screaming "Grand-Pa!... GRAND-PA!"
Security Officer, seeing it too many times, asks her "Are you lost little Girl?"
"Yes", she sobs, "I lost My Grand-Pa".
Officer trying to help asks "What is his name?".... "Grand-Pa" says the poor little Darling.
"Can you describe him in detail?" the Officer asks. The Little Girl just blinks.
So the Officer tries again. "Does he have any distinguishing features to help identify him?" Again, little girl doesn't understand.
Trying to communicate the her he finally says "What's you Grandpa like?"
She chirps right up...
"Blondes, Churchill Cigars, and Bourbon on the Rocks"
 
Buying a New Car - Old man’s method:

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini-skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply:

"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for $45,000 to that lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.


"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."


Once again.... don't mess with seniors.
 
Two rednecks, Bubba and Gator, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of bud.
The passenger, Bubba,said. "Lookey thar up ahead, Gator, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!
"Don't worry Bubba" Gator said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?" Asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin okay?" Said Gator.
Well, they finished their beers,threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sherriff said, "You boys been drinkin?".
"No sir" Gator said. "We're on the patch."
 
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription
... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."
 
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”
 
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
 
For his 80th birthday, a man schedules a skydiving tandem jump as this had been on his bucket list for many years. The day finally arrives and a middle age man approaches the 80 year old and proceeds to strap himself to the old man and tells him he's been looking forward to this and they are both going to have an awesome experience. So up they go in the plane, they reach proper altitude and out jumps the two men strapped to each other. As they decend towards earth, the old man wonders why the instructor has not yet deployed the chute. The middle age man shouts in the 80 year olds ear, " So how long you been an instructor?"
 
A twin engine Cessna with 4 passengers suddenly takes a nose dive as the pilot has a massive heart attack at the controls. Unfortunately there are only 3 parachute back packs on board, so out breaks a discussion about who should get a parachute. The first man says," look, I'm a brain surgeon and have saved countless lives under the knife of my skilled hands, so the world needs me", as he straps on a backpack and jumps out. The second person says, " look, I'm a rocket scientist and am responsible for putting some of the first astronauts on the moon and even Forbes magazine has rated me as the smartest man in the world!!... and also straps on a pack and jumps out. Now there's just 2 left on board, a 92 year old man and a 9 year old boy scout. The old man looks down at the young boy and says," look, I've lived a good long life, but your life is just starting so you go ahead and take the last parachute and save yourself". The young boy scout looks up at the old man and says," No worries pops, there's still 2 chutes left". The old man looks down at him and says," How do you figure that?" The boy scout says, " Cuz the smartest man in the world just jumped with my boy scout backpack on."
 
Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.”
Again, next day, he says same thing – “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband –
“Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'" I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said,
“I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you ......”
 
What is the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead attorney in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
 

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