Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

[Be Ready]

A young woman goes to Doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me senseless”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just drink some water and hold it in your mouth. Hold it in, but don’t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I kept a mouthful of water and held it till he slept. And he didn’t touch me.”

Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps”

 

[#ARRMArcfanboy4life]

A young woman goes to Doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me senseless”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just drink some water and hold it in your mouth. Hold it in, but don’t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I kept a mouthful of water and held it till he slept. And he didn’t touch me.”

Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps”

So this is what happened between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard

 

[Be Ready]

Got a present the other day-It was four AA batteries and a note that said Gift Not Included.

 

[gotnitro]

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

I went to buy some new camo pants but couldn’t find any.

 

[Be Ready]

When it's my time to go...
I hope that I pass peacefully in my sleep like my Uncle Jimmy.
Not screaming in terror like the 20 people on his bus.

 

[Be Ready]

A man asks a woman at the bar if she would sleep with him for a million dollars. She thinks for a minute and replies "yes".
He asks her "How about $20 dollars?"
She indignantly replies"what kind of woman do you think I am?"
He responds "we've already established that. Now we're just haggling over the price."

 

[Be Ready]

Your call is important to us....

Please hold until it is no longer of importance to you.

 

[Smilinbri]

Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

 

[The Bean]

 

[Smilinbri]

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now. HEEEEEY YOU GUUUUUUYS!!!!!

 

[Be Ready]

Betty was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Betty
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to
hold my hand when we were courting...."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...."

Mildly irritated, he reached across gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck...."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Betty asked.

"To get my teeth

 

[ChrisC]

Why did the Pervert cross the road?
His pecker was stuck in the chicken!

 

[Be Ready]

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

 

[Smilinbri]

 

[Smilinbri]

Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. (Or a blue shirt and khakis at Best Buy!)

 

[Be Ready]

Hey, have you heard about the latest anonymous sperm bank being established by the State of Indiana?

It will be called "Hoosier Daddy."

 

[Smilinbri]

 

[#ARRMArcfanboy4life]

For context I have a friend named Oliver

 

[Be Ready]

Bob called into his boss, John and told him he wouldn't be able to make it into work as he had a terrible migraine.

John said, "Bob, I'm sorry to hear that. Here's what I do when I wake up with a migraine and it's always gotten rid of them for me. First off I force myself to get up and then get a steaming hot shower. Then I have a light breakfast and hot coffee. And finally he said I have wild passionate sex with my wife. After that I'm good to go for the rest of the day!"

Bob didn't want to disappoint his boss, and he really wanted to get rid of the headache, so he said, "Well thanks boss, I'll try that and see if it works for me."

John replied, "Try it I'm sure it'll work for you, it always has for me, and besides I really need you here today. The auditors are coming today and I really need you here!"

Bob knew his boss really needed him so he said, "Sure boss, I'll try it and if it works, I'll be right in."

A couple of hours passed and Bob called his boss, "Hey John, you were right, I did exactly what you said and my headache is gone. I'll be in right away to help with the audit. Oh, bye the way, you have a lovely house."

 

[Smilinbri]