Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

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A police officer radioes in to the station.
"Sarge, we have a situation here."
"Yes? Go ahead" comes back the answer.
"A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
 
"Why did Sally fall off the swing?
- I don't know, why did she?
"Because she didn't have any arms."

"Didn't like that one, OK here is another."

"Knock-knock"
- who's there
"Sure as heck ain't Sally!"
 
Two Polish weathermen were reporting about the extreme heat wave they were having , the first one says " but it's better than 3 feet of snow !!! '' , the second one says " yeah , can you imagine shoveling snow in this heat !!! "


Two Polish friends rented a boat to go out fishing , they're catching fish after fish , one says " we gotta mark this spot ! " , the other then takes out a can of spray paint and sprays an " X " on the floor of the boat , the first one says " you idiot , what if we don't same the same boat next time ? "
 
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A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station. The mechanic looks up and says “Looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”
 
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first Alabama football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it."Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, butI just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?""Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'I'm like...Helloooooo?It's only 25 cents!!!!"
 
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom; It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

The woman replied,” I’m so sorry but, We can’t hear in the back.”
 
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I said, there are 3 flys in this house, 1 male and two females.
She said, how do you know what sex they are.
I said because this one is sitting on my beer and the those two are sitting over there on the phone.
 
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.
During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:
"Dear Mom,
While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.
Love, Your son."

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:
"Dear John,
While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.
Love, Mom."
 
Guy comes home from work to find his wife packing a suitecase.
"Baby! What are you doing?" He says.
She replies "I'M LEAVING! ...GOING TO VEGAS!"
"But Baby ....why?" He asks.
She says"Because I heard you can get $100 for a BJ there."
Man pulls out a suitecase and starts packing.
"What are you doing?" The Wife asks.
Man says "I'm going to Vegas... I wanna see you live on $200 a YEAR!"
 
A blonde woman goes ice fishing. She has all her equipment and gets ready to cut into the ice. Suddenly a voice says "there are no fish under the ice". So she moves aways and decides to try there. Again the voice "there are no fish under the ice". So she moves again. Again the voice telling her there are no fish under the ice. So she says "is that you Lord telling me there are no fish?" "no" comes the voice again, "I'm the manager of the hockey rink".
 
A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
 
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs!'
 
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