Tough decision to make.......what would you do?

[Porschetech🇬🇪]

As the title states......what would you do knowing my current situation. I’ll explain as best as I can.

As some of you are aware my decision to leave the Bay Area for Naples Florida ended up being one of the worst choices in my life that I’ve made. It has been a dominoe effect of nothing but bad luck. The ex wife did a 180 on me 3 months after we had moved here. 2 years ago we got divorced. February 2021 I lost my home as the HOA refused to renew my lease after 6 years. They implemented new rules to lower the amount of homes rented for income purposes. Then last week I just got laid off. I’ve been there for 5 years and it’s been nothing short of fishy goings on.

A few months ago the ex asked me if I’ve thought about going back to Cali. I said yes many times. She caught wind of how much RN’s are being paid there and said the move back would benefit the kids. Obviously I got super excited about going back as my family and friends are there. So I made a few calls and some offers were made. One is very promising and I won’t know 100% until next month.

Now the kids have told me that the ex told them that she isn’t leaving Florida for at least 2 years. The kids don’t want to stay here any more and my son is being bullied in school - maybe due to racism.

So the question is do I stay here just for the kids and be here for them as their father, but suffer financially? I don’t want them to see me struggle and stressed over lack of income. Naples doesn’t pay techs very well and the Porsche dealer here said that if they were interested in me they’d offer $30 p/h. I saw that as an insult based on my knowledge and vast experience on the brand. I was on approx $70k before being laid off (I was being paid $33.75 p/h). Therefore do I leave my kids behind and take the job offer in the Bay Area? It starts off at $120k and a review after 6 months. So long as the shop does well, my income will grow accordingly. All this will be written up as a contract with promise of salary increases. Aside from my kids I’m lonely here and isolated. Naples population is primarily retired wealthy cranky old people. There isn’t much to do here compared to the Bay Area. While I understand the cost of living is much higher in the Bay Area. The $50k income difference is nothing to be sniffed at. RN’s in the Bay Area are now making $200k-$300k per year. Ex claims she makes the same as me which I find very hard to believe as she had to declare her income in the divorce papers and it was close to $90k.

Considering how much she could make in Cali, I have a suspicion that her change of mind on going back is to spite me. She knows how close I am to my family and how much that will benefit me and the kids. Unfortunately she has issues within her own family and i think there is resentment there. I found out recently that she’s fallen out with both her brothers again plus her father (this has been a viscious circle since childhood). Then she was told that none of the cousins that live here want to associate with her either.

So do I call her bluff and make plans on going back based on the job offer and lack of work here? She told me tonight she starts a new job closer to home in 2 weeks. I don’t want to stay here any longer than I need to be, but I also know it will break me to leave my babies behind. A few friends have told me that now is the time to do what is right for me as the kids will understand what I have to do (they are 11 & 8). I’m afraid if I stay it will give her an opportunity to tell the kids I’m a dead beat father due to my financial struggles.

Sorry for the long read. I tried to explain it as clear as possible.

 

[Doom!]

I would suggest a visit to your parents to check things out. I can tell you the current California is nothing like the one you left. It is much more expensive here than Florida and about to get worse. Even if you made the same salary you will be taking a lot less of it home. Just don't want you to be surprised.

Being close to friends and family is a big plus (you do have to consider your own mental well being) especially since you haven't really been happy there for a while. Do you share custody with the kids? How would that work if she stayed behind?

 

[TheCyborgSlayer]

To me, as a father of three, the decision is easy. I would never leave my kids. Period.

 

[Jimbobjr]

I don't know what to say other than definitely think it over for a month until you know for sure about the other job and if your ex is actually going to move back as well. Feel for you and very sorry things did not work out as planed. I really enjoy your post and pics about the cars you work on. I'll be praying for you (and your children) Bud.

On a side note, half kidding and half serious; is it me or can women just change their minds anytime they want with absolutely no recourse or consequence?

 

[jkflow]

First off, you are definitely not a 'deadbeat' but a victim of circumstance. You can modify your agreement based on your new income situation.

Rest is money and distance vs being closer and with your kids. Based on all the write-ups, stay with your kids or you won't be happy. That is my impression.
Your ex will probably change her mind 20 more times, try and provide some stability to your kids instead.

On the job situation, if you want to stay close, you have to adjust your expectation to what is being offered. Sucks but hat's reality.
Once hired it will go up again.

Your are in a tough spot, I do not know the situation well enough but this is one of those heart-felt moments. Flip a coin and 'heads' you go to CA, you will know what you want before the coin hits the floor. Do that and accept all associated consequences.
My only advice, make a decision this week and stop pondering, nothing will change the situation.

 

[Pat_ranch]

I believe you'll be a better dad and better example to your kids by creating an environment where you can build your own self esteem and be successful. It's a gamble, but if you can show them a positive path, it pays off. (Also, plane tickets ain't too expensive on 120k/year.) Your kids are old enough to feel your suffering. They're going to have a hard time if you leave. They're going to have a hard time if you stay and struggle, too. It's a hard choice, but I support the path that empowers you to be better to yourself, and gives your kids a better future. We all go through challenges, and yours is big af. I think I'd go if I were you. I'd also make it my primary focus to build my case for custody, because I wouldn't last long w/o my kids. I hope you don't mind, but I paraphrased your situation to my 13 year old daughter to get her opinion. If we were in a situation like yours, my daughter would rather see me leave and succeed vs stay and struggle. She says you deserve a fresh start, and that letting go of the past is painful, but necessary.

 

[Porschetech🇬🇪]

I would suggest a visit to your parents to check things out. I can tell you the current California is nothing like the one you left. It is much more expensive here than Florida and about to get worse. Even if you made the same salary you will be taking a lot less of it home. Just don't want you to be surprised.

Being close to friends and family is a big plus (you do have to consider your own mental well being) especially since you haven't really been happy there for a while. Do you share custody with the kids? How would that work if she stayed behind?

Well my parents live in British Columbia......I was referring to my brother in the Bay Area (sorry if I didn’t clarify that). Plus the amount of cousins, aunts, uncles etc. I know going back that I’d be paying roughly $1k a month more in rent than what I’m paying here. Rent in Naples is going up vs the slight decline in the Bay Area. I’m trying to weigh up the pros and cons. Yes custody is joint. She tried her hardest to get full custody even though the lawyers told her and the state law is 50/50. She was ready to go to court and fight it. Unfortunately I didn’t have the $15k for my lawyer and caved in to her 60/40.

The kid’s tell me that all she does is put me down while they ask me why I don’t do the same. She has no shame in telling others that she wishes me dead. Yeah this woman is pure evil.

I don't know what to say other than definitely think it over for a month until you know for sure about the other job and if your ex is actually going to move back as well. Feel for you and very sorry things did not work out as planed. I really enjoy your post and pics about the cars you work on. I'll be praying for you (and your children) Bud.

On a side note, half kidding and half serious; is it me or can women just change their minds anytime they want with absolutely no recourse or consequence?

From my own personal experience I think women are really screwed in the head. That’s saying it politely.

I believe you'll be a better dad and better example to your kids by creating an environment where you can build your own self esteem and be successful. It's a gamble, but if you can show them a positive path, it pays off. (Also, plane tickets ain't too expensive on 120k/year.) Your kids are old enough to feel your suffering. They're going to have a hard time if you leave. They're going to have a hard time if you stay and struggle, too. It's a hard choice, but I support the path that empowers you to be better to yourself, and gives your kids a better future. We all go through challenges, and yours is big af. I think I'd go if I were you. I'd also make it my primary focus to build my case for custody, because I wouldn't last long w/o my kids. I hope you don't mind, but I paraphrased your situation to my 13 year old daughter to get her opinion. If we were in a situation like yours, my daughter would rather see me leave and succeed vs stay and struggle. She says you deserve a fresh start, and that letting go of the past is painful, but necessary.

That’s the problem. My esteem is low, most probably from all the negativity and emotional abuse from the ex. I know going back is a gamble with regards to the kids. Stay or not the ex will never say anything good about me to them. If I leave it will be “your father abandoned you” and poop like that. She wants to destroy me and will go to any lengths to do that. Sadly I did nothing to her to warrant this kind of behaviour

 

[Doom!]

I am sorry it's not an easy decision. The spiteful ex is the real problem. Just not sure how to navigate that one.

 

[Porschetech🇬🇪]

I am sorry it's not an easy decision. The spiteful ex is the real problem. Just not sure how to navigate that one.

I know. She really is a piece of work. She’s a man hater. Another reason why her brothers can’t handle her. She’s broken from childhood and I think she’s giving the kids a taste of what she had to endure. They tell me often how mean she is to them.

 

[Monster-Crawler]

As the title states......what would you do knowing my current situation. I’ll explain as best as I can.

As some of you are aware my decision to leave the Bay Area for Naples Florida ended up being one of the worst choices in my life that I’ve made. It has been a dominoe effect of nothing but bad luck. The ex wife did a 180 on me 3 months after we had moved here. 2 years ago we got divorced. February 2021 I lost my home as the HOA refused to renew my lease after 6 years. They implemented new rules to lower the amount of homes rented for income purposes. Then last week I just got laid off. I’ve been there for 5 years and it’s been nothing short of fishy goings on.

A few months ago the ex asked me if I’ve thought about going back to Cali. I said yes many times. She caught wind of how much RN’s are being paid there and said the move back would benefit the kids. Obviously I got super excited about going back as my family and friends are there. So I made a few calls and some offers were made. One is very promising and I won’t know 100% until next month.

Now the kids have told me that the ex told them that she isn’t leaving Florida for at least 2 years. The kids don’t want to stay here any more and my son is being bullied in school - maybe due to racism.

So the question is do I stay here just for the kids and be here for them as their father, but suffer financially? I don’t want them to see me struggle and stressed over lack of income. Naples doesn’t pay techs very well and the Porsche dealer here said that if they were interested in me they’d offer $30 p/h. I saw that as an insult based on my knowledge and vast experience on the brand. I was on approx $70k before being laid off (I was being paid $33.75 p/h). Therefore do I leave my kids behind and take the job offer in the Bay Area? It starts off at $120k and a review after 6 months. So long as the shop does well, my income will grow accordingly. All this will be written up as a contract with promise of salary increases. Aside from my kids I’m lonely here and isolated. Naples population is primarily retired wealthy cranky old people. There isn’t much to do here compared to the Bay Area. While I understand the cost of living is much higher in the Bay Area. The $50k income difference is nothing to be sniffed at. RN’s in the Bay Area are now making $200k-$300k per year. Ex claims she makes the same as me which I find very hard to believe as she had to declare her income in the divorce papers and it was close to $90k.

Considering how much she could make in Cali, I have a suspicion that her change of mind on going back is to spite me. She knows how close I am to my family and how much that will benefit me and the kids. Unfortunately she has issues within her own family and i think there is resentment there. I found out recently that she’s fallen out with both her brothers again plus her father (this has been a viscious circle since childhood). Then she was told that none of the cousins that live here want to associate with her either.

So do I call her bluff and make plans on going back based on the job offer and lack of work here? She told me tonight she starts a new job closer to home in 2 weeks. I don’t want to stay here any longer than I need to be, but I also know it will break me to leave my babies behind. A few friends have told me that now is the time to do what is right for me as the kids will understand what I have to do (they are 11 & 8). I’m afraid if I stay it will give her an opportunity to tell the kids I’m a dead beat father due to my financial struggles.

Sorry for the long read. I tried to explain it as clear as possible.

Sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place, but the main thing that is concerning is your son being bullied. I think the last thing he would want is to not have his dad when he really needs him. I feel for you bro, wish there was a simple answer, but leaving the kids might be a mistake. And like someone else stated, the living expense may heavily offset the pay increase. When in doubt, put your kids 1st, imo. I wish you the best and keep your head up.

 

[talion2020]

I really feel for you on this as two of my close friends are dealing with the angry ex situation. But honestly if it were me I’d stay and be close to my kids. Especially with the way your ex is treating the kids, speaking about you, and your son being bullied. sounds like they need you there. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Ginglehopper]

I heard the market is supposed to crash soon. I don't want to make your decisons, but sell the house for 500k-800k, rent till the market crashes, buy a diferent house in California for 200k-300k. Ida know.
And stay with the kids.

 

[Porschetech🇬🇪]

I heard the market is supposed to crash soon. I don't want to make your decisons, but sell the house for 500k-800k, rent till the market crashes, buy a diferent house in California for 200k-300k. Ida know.
And stay with the kids.

I rent at the mo. Due to rent going up I had to downsize from a 1800sqft townhouse to a 1300sqft apartment. I have boxes everywhere.......it’s so cramped. Yeah I’ve been following some of what’s being said the markets. Doesn’t look good. I dunno how I’m supposed to survive on unemployment benefits. Florida pays a max of $275 a week. Wtf is that supposed to do for me

I really feel for you on this as two of my close friends are dealing with the angry ex situation. But honestly if it were me I’d stay and be close to my kids. Especially with the way your ex is treating the kids, speaking about you, and your son being bullied. sounds like they need you there. Just my 2 cents.

You’re right but that’s where the mind fcuk and control comes in. She knows how much I love the kids and I guess that fuels her even more to bad mouth me.

Sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place, but the main thing that is concerning is your son being bullied. I think the last thing he would want is to not have his dad when he really needs him. I feel for you bro, wish there was a simple answer, but leaving the kids might be a mistake. And like someone else stated, the living expense may heavily offset the pay increase. When in doubt, put your kids 1st, imo. I wish you the best and keep your head up.

I’ve always put the kids first and everyone who knows me knows that. poop is getting real and I can’t keep struggling the way I do. I’m putting on a brave face for the kids and I’m doing what I can for them.

 

[TheCyborgSlayer]

Now that I have a minute, let me give a more detailed response based on my own experience.

I have three daughters, 8/10/15. My oldest is from a different relationship, my two youngest are with my current wife. I’ve had to split custody with my ex, also a vindictive B, since my oldest was 10 months old.

It’s been the biggest pain I can think of. And we only live across town, let alone across the country. My kids are all attached to me, and it never feels like we have enough time together. I always get crying phone calls just because she misses me. It’s really tough. Especially as they get older.

I grew up being told by my dad that you always make the sacrifices for you kids. He worked two jobs and I hardly ever got to see him. I’ve followed in his footsteps, not working two jobs, but working a lot to try and make sure my kids have a good life.

However, it’s to the point where my kids want me around more, so I’m leaving a 6 figure job for something that pays much less, but gives me much more quality time with my kids. There is no substitute for spending time with your kids and it’s not something you can ever get back.

The biggest issue I see with your situation is the fact you don’t know what your ex will do. She may say she won’t leave for two years, but what if you do leave and then she decides she’s staying in Fl forever? When it comes to your kids, I don’t think playing a game of ‘what if’ is the right way to go.

You are stuck in a tough spot and I feel for you. :-(

 

[TheBadazz]

Honestly weigh the pros and cons. And be as honest as you can.talk to your family and close friends. Don't hurry a decision. Investigate alternative solutions. You both may agree on something. Stay strong bro.

 

[jondilly1974]

While I don’t have any advice or answers for you brother, I do wish you and your children the best. I hope you find peace very soon.

 

[olds97_lss]

I don't have kids. I never really dealt with divorce directly as my parents were married for 50 years until my father passed.

That said, after reading your comments, it seems like your only option is to take the pay cut and stay where you are until your ex makes a move. If she's rough on your kids now with you close, I can only imagine how much of a "deadbeat" she will make you out to be if you move across the country, no matter the reason. With your kids that young and then with the even more limited time you will have with them, they are more likely to end up hating you along with hating their mother, if they don't already.

I'm not a person that has the need to be around people or to do things outside of my home. The only thing I do besides work is run my RC's. Never was a social butterfly except for when I was in my early 20's, but really, that was only due to my job and with work "friends" at the time.

 

[Outcastblxnut]

Man I’m just at an aw of words. I couldn’t leave my kids but I couldn’t be miserable either. Praying for ya brother. Keep your head up something is bond to happen good.

 

[arrma_tigger]

Based on what I'm reading (and have read), I'm sorry for the tough and trivial times that you are going through. While it may seem like things won't get better, they will. Try to surround yourself with or try to bring a positive energy. This will help things 10 fold - I know this can be tough. Negative + negative usually begets more negative.

As for the ex, you can't change someone that doesn't recognize nor feel the need to change. Trying to force that will only make things worse. Pointing it out to them is gasoline on a fire. To her, you are the one that needs to change. A wise person once told me .. it takes 2 people to fight. Remove any of your attacks, defenses, rebuttals and/or comebacks .. and what you have left is one person talking to themselves. While anything she repeats 'may' become believable, you should be able to demonstrate that it's not.

Talking negative about her and the situation around the children will make you the smaller person - and let's be real, there are much better things to discuss than a bad relationship. Intelligent discussion may help .. but this is tough for kids - at 8 and 11, they're still being molded. The only thing you can do here is make great memories and be the example for your kids. Be honest with them - as honest as you can be anyways. Your kids may follow your steps, they may not. That decision is theirs and theirs alone - all you can do is set the example.

At the very core, it is our job as parents to raise them, provide them the tools and prepare them to be independent, self reliant and for dealing with the various issues of life and to be a contributing and productive member of society. How do you do that on a limited time constraint? How do you track and participate in their education (or their life) if you're on the other side of the country? Easy answer, right? - Zoom, etc. While true, they are no replacement for being physically present.

Being away from them will be the worst thing for them .. and for you - because while you will see them from time to time, it'll be more like a vacation. If they are with mom most of the time, that time will be a major benefit to her. They learn how she deals with life, with conflict, with issues, etc. They learn exactly how she will support them (school activities, friends, drivers license, work ethics, etc).

While great money is good .. it's also your job to demonstrate to your kids that even in the absence of megabucks, you were still able to make lemonade and still be a success. Your kids won't care how much money you make -and really, they have no need to know.

Life is NOT all about the benjamins. While the benjamins help, you'll lose much more by being away from your kids. You say that the better money would help give them nicer things .. but what good is any of that money .. if in 20 years, you don't have a relationship with them? What good is that money if mom wants more child support - you spend all your hours busting your a$$ for a better quality of life for you and your children, but you're making more, which means they might be entitled to more - in reality she gets all your extra money, the kids 'might' see some of it? Was it worth it? What good is all this extra money if all it's paying for is flights (to be an active participant, you will require ALOT of flights).

20 years from now, what relationship do you want with your children? Do you want to be a parent .. or a buddy? What do you want them to be? Where do you want them to be (in life)? What do you want them to do? They're watching you now - and they're learning how to deal with conflict, issues - and life. Children need to learn that there is a productive way to resolve differences. If you can teach that without the hostilities and negativity, then you've accomplished quite a bit.

While going to CA 'may' be a great turn, it may also not work out. It too, is a gamble. If you both are willing to relocate, maybe it's doable. Based on the items already specified (60/40, etc), I wouldn't do anything without something in writing.

 

[JoshHefnerX]

I don't think you should make decisions on what your ex may or may not want. Make them on you and your kids.

Living in the bay area is very expensive and getting worse. Are there other places in FL a reasonable drive from your kids that may be worth looking into?