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Missing Wife

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door…. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
 
Every Friday night, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the donation box at church. This went on for weeks until the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
“Mrs. Bradley, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”
“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
“Oh, $2,000 a week.”
“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”
“I believe he is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”
“Well, he has one cat house in Chicago, and another in Dallas…”
 
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair!"
 
Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall.
The first one says, "I am very sorry about that, I didn’t see you I was looking for my wife."
"No worries, I’m looking for mine too, I don’t know what happened to her, or where she is." replies the other man.
The first one suggests "Well, what does your wife look like? I can help you search if you help me too."
The other man replies, "Well, she’s tall, gorgeous legs, big breasts, tight butt, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?"
"Forget about mine, let’s look for yours!!"
 
Be Ready said:
How does a millennial change a light bulb?
They hold up the bulb cuz the world revolves around them.
Click to expand...
Or one changes it while the other takes photos to post online 😂
 
Be Ready said:
How does a millennial change a light bulb?
They hold up the bulb cuz the world revolves around them.
Click to expand...
Obviously they don't, they call their mom to come down to the basement and do it for them. 😜
 
Aussie Story:

In the 1950s, a friend of Catherine's moved with her young family into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day some builders arrived to put up a house on
the lot. Catherine's friend had a three-year-old
daughter who naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door. She hung around on
the margins and eventually the builders adopted her as
a kind of mascot. They chatted to her and gave her
little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented
her with a little pay packet containing a shiny new half
crown, or something.
She took this home to her mother who made all the
appropriate cooings of admiration and suggested that
they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it
in her account. When they went to the bank, the
cashier was equally impressed and asked the little girl
how she had come by her own pay packet.
I've been building a house this week,' she replied
proudly.
Goodness!' said the cashier. "And will you be build-
ing a house next week, too?
"I will if we ever get the fiddlesticking bricks,' answered
the little girl.
 
A blonde gets on a plane bound for Chicago and leaves her seat in economy to sit in first class. When the flight attendant tells her she has to go back to economy because she didn’t pay for a first class ticket, the blonde says, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful and I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here in this seat.” The flight attendant and the blonde repeat this process a few times before the attendant gets the pilot. The same thing happens to the pilot when he tries to talk to the blonde. He goes back to the cockpit and begins to radio the tower for assistance when the co-pilot asks him to wait just a second. “I’m married to a blonde,” he tells the captain. “I speak blonde, let me handle it.” He goes up to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she said, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” before getting up and going back to her economy seat. “How did you do that?” his colleagues ask him. “Easy. I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”
 
Be Ready said:
A blonde gets on a plane bound for Chicago and leaves her seat in economy to sit in first class. When the flight attendant tells her she has to go back to economy because she didn’t pay for a first class ticket, the blonde says, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful and I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here in this seat.” The flight attendant and the blonde repeat this process a few times before the attendant gets the pilot. The same thing happens to the pilot when he tries to talk to the blonde. He goes back to the cockpit and begins to radio the tower for assistance when the co-pilot asks him to wait just a second. “I’m married to a blonde,” he tells the captain. “I speak blonde, let me handle it.” He goes up to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she said, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” before getting up and going back to her economy seat. “How did you do that?” his colleagues ask him. “Easy. I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”
Click to expand...
The version of this i heard, the blonde was going to Los Angeles.
 

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