Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

[Be Ready]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled A Woman leans over and says,
"Are all those kids yours?"
He replied,
"No. I work for a Condom Company and these are customer complaints."

 

[Be Ready]

I don't stay in cheap Hotels or wear designer jeans for the same reason.

No ballroom.

 

[Be Ready]

VIDEO SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

 

[The Bean]

Here's a joke: my life!

 

[Be Ready]

IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED... A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2021 Super Bowl in Tampa, Florida, both box seats. He paid $21,500 each. It comes with a ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, and a $400.00 bar tab. Also a backstage pass to the winner's locker room. He didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St Paul's Church, in Orlando at 3pm. Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 lbs, and a good cook too. She loves to fish, hunt and Arrma RC's. She'll be the one in the white dress.

 

[jkflow]

Who can afford that!? Even though the wedding is already paid for...

 

[KvConivore]

Here's a joke: my life!

If you have a sense of humor, your problems are already solved.

 

[Be Ready]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

 

[Be Ready]

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”

 

[Be Ready]

As I have grown older :

I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,

but making everyone mad is a piece of cake.

 

[Be Ready]

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one

when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

 

[The Bean]

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one

when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

This reminds me of dumb and dumber, where somebody brought a helmet as protection

 

[Be Ready]

The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500; they'd at least iron it!'

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

Happy Valentine's!

 

[Just Joe]

I just got a horse, his name is Mayo...
Some times Mayo “Neighs”

 

[Be Ready]

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

 

[Just Joe]

How do you make a tissue dance?
Why you just put a little boogie in it

 

[Doom!]

So tonight on the way home, the wife asks if I want to stop on the way home for a few pints. Sure I say.
Next thing I know we are in the parking lot of a Baskin Robbins.

 

[jkflow]

 

[Be Ready]

We're so proud of ourselves: we finished a jigsaw puzzle a just a few months.

The box said 1 to 5 years.

 

[The Bean]

A cowboy wanted a horse, because, what is a cowboy without a horse? But because he didn't have a lot of money, he got the cheapest horse that was for sale. The salesman told him: this horse is fine, but he has 1 problem: he does exactly the opposite of what you command him. The cowboy thinks to himself: "Yea, I'll remember that."

So, the cowboy goes riding away, controlling the horse, and all goes well. But then... he approaches a cliff...
Instinctively, the cowboy pulls the reins to let the horse slow down, but it starts galloping. He pulls the reins to get him to steer away from the cliff, but he turns too it...

Guess what happens?

(I've colored the answer light gray, so you won't read it accidentally)


↓↓↓↓


The horse doesn't run off the cliff, because it has basic survival instincts, duh!