Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

[Be Ready]

i tried suing the airlines for losing my luggage, but i lost the case.

 

[Be Ready]

GAME WARDEN: Didn't you see the sign? "It says no fishing."
BOY: I'm not fishing I'm teaching my worms how to swim.

 

[The Bean]

Look at muh lamborghini

 

[arrma_tigger]

Lamborghini actually was (and still is) in the tractor business - that's where they got started. Their official name is Lamborghini Trattori (Tractors).

 

[The Bean]

I know. That's why I posted it. The (now dead) owner got a ferrari and had reliability issues, and complained, Enzo got mad, and sir Lamborghini built his own sports cars
Look at muh Porsche

 

[arrma_tigger]

I know. That's why I posted it. The (now dead) owner got a ferrari and had reliability issues, and complained, Enzo got mad, and sir Lamborghini built his own sports cars
Look at muh Porsche
View attachment 132844

I didn't know if you were joking or not .. hence the background.

 

[Be Ready]

Money talks, but all mine says is goodbye.

 

[Jeremy in WI]

This made me laugh. Stolen from facebook, but applicable to almost every group...

Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.

3 to say "can't share"

2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

 

[Be Ready]

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Because if it had been invented anywhere else it would be called the Teethbrush.

 

[CameronCodes]

This made me laugh. Stolen from facebook, but applicable to almost every group...

Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.

3 to say "can't share"

2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

.... how many is that again?

 

[Just Joe]

Bad Puns...That’s how eye roll

 

[Be Ready]

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

 

[The Bean]

I once misread presidential election as something else. I thought the highlighted L was an R

 

[Be Ready]

Claude was the only one in the community catchin’ any fish. Folks was goin’ and they wasn’t catchin’ nothin’.
Old Claude Ledbetter, he’d come with a pickup truck loaded down. So the State Game and Fish Commission decided they’d go fishin’ with Claude, just see how he was catchin’em.
Claude told ’em..., y’all don’t know how to do it. Y’all ought to just go with me and watch me.
Well, the Game Warden got in the boat with him and they took off out in the middle of the river.
The Game Warden said, “Alright Claude, I’m gonna see how you catchin’ all these fish when cain’t nobody else catch none.”
Claude raised the lid on the boat seat, got a big, long stick a dynamite. Lit the fuse on it. Let it go down kinda short, then drawed back and chucked it.
Boom!
Them big catfish come turnin’ they belly up, whoopin’ it outta that water, and Claude was just gettin’em by the tub full.
The Game Warden said, “Boy, that’s against the law, you cain’t do that. Don’t you know you’re breakin’ the law?”
Well then, Claude done lit another big stick a dynamite, handed it to the Game Warden; it goin’ phsssssh!
The Game Warden took that stick a dynamite and said, “You idiot! This is against the law! You cain’t do this!”

Claude said, “You gonna set there and argue, or you gonna fish!”

 

[Be Ready]

People are always shocked when they discover I am a bad electrician.

 

[Be Ready]

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

 

[Be Ready]

I was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion after an accident at work.
The doctor asked Me a series of questions:
“Do you know where you are?”
“I’m at Rex Hospital.”
“What city are you in?”
“Raleigh.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“Dr. Hamilton.”
As the Doctor left the room I turned to the nurse and said,
“I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

 

[Be Ready]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington D C playing marbles.

 

[#ARRMArcfanboy4life]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington D C playing marbles.

people in Washington have marbles?
They haven't lost them all yet?

 

[arrma_tigger]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington D C playing marbles.

Love it!

people in Washington have marbles?
They haven't lost them all yet?

You .. owe me a new keyboard.