Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

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Did ya hear about the big Lego sale?

People were lining up for blocks..
 
How do you turn a Fox into an Elephant?

You marry her…
 
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
 
Thats the last time I ever buy shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with
but I have been tripping all day.

If you boil a funny bone does it become laughing stock?
 
A friend told me to wish him luck.
He has a meeting today at the bank and if things go his way he will finally be entirely out of debt.
He said he was so excited he wasn't sure if he could get his ski mask on straight.
 
Being challenged by his articulate priest, a bright, sensitive young man decided he wanted to become a monk. He discussed it many times during high school days with the pastor of his parish. Seeing he could not discourage the aspirant but warning him of the rugged discipline required, the pastor finally recommended the lad to the proper authorities.
The superior in charge of the desired order told the candidate he would be allowed to speak but two words for the first ten years. At the end of that exhausting period, he was asked, “Do you have any comment?”
“Food cold.”
Another decade of dedication was endured. The monk’s confessor asked, “Do you have anything to say?”
“Bed hard.”
After the third decade of silence passed. Again the candidate for the chosen order was asked to comment.
“I quit.”
“Good,” replied the superior, “you’ve done nothing but complain for the last thirty years.”
 
89 year-old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife.
 
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in
the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was
this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was
thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there
was blood everywhere. Thank goodness I took that first aid course -- all my
training came back to me in a flash."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
 

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