Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

[Be Ready]

A friend bought a dog from a blacksmith. 10 minutes after he arrived home, the dog made a bolt for the door.

 

[gotnitro]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 

[Be Ready]

 

[Be Ready]

Jack and Bob went skiing. After a few hours of driving north, they got caught up in a terrible blizzard and pulled into the driveway of a farm owned by a very rich widow. They went to the door and asked the attractive lady who answered if they could spend the night there. “Oh, it’s such a terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself. But I am recently widowed,” she said, “and I’m afraid of what the neighbor will say if I let two attractive young men stay in my house.” “Don’t worry,” Jack said, “We’ll be happy if you just let us sleep in your barn if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they left and had a great skiing weekend.
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was the attorney of the attractive widow whose barn they stayed at with Bob. He drove to see his friend and asked him: “Bob, remember nine months ago when we went skiing and stopped over at that beautiful widow’s barn to wait out the bad weather?” “Yes, I do,” said Bob. “Did you get up in the middle of the night, pay her a visit at the house and stay overnight?” Bob, getting a little embarrassed, confirmed that’s what happened. “And did you happen to use my name while you were with her?” “I am sorry buddy, I am afraid I did,” replied Bob whose face turned red by now. “Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything,” exclaimed Jack.

 

[gotnitro]

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.

 

[Be Ready]

I have fond memories of playing with my father. He used to roll us kids down a big hill inside old car tires.

Yep.... Those were the Goodyears !

 

[Be Ready]

Has anyone looked into exploding other foods to make them better or are we stopping at popcorn.


And in closing I would like to thank my legs for supporting me, my arms for always at my side and my fingers-I could always count on them.

 

[Be Ready]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

 

[Be Ready]

A friend of mine named his dog ‘5 miles' ,So he could tell people he had walked 5 miles everyday.
But was so upset today, when he ran over 5 miles.

 

[gotnitro]

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.

 

[Be Ready]

This guy walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out of work, as he steps up to the bar he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots, he had a frown on his face.

“What’s with the long face Joe?” he asks.

Joe responds, “My wife told me today that she was only going to have sex with me on Mondays, and Thursdays!”

“Well,” said the friend, “That’s not that bad, some of us she has cut off completely.”

 

[Be Ready]

Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

 

[Be Ready]

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ‘Y’all ain't gonna believe this sh!t

 

[Be Ready]

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO

 

[Be Ready]

Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

 

[Be Ready]

On a rainy day, a man walks into a bar, followed by three ducks.

He sears seats himself at the bar and the ducks seat themselves on stools beside him.

The bartender and the only other patron laugh to themselves.

After finishing his drink, the man with the ducks asks if the bartender would watch the ducks while he uses the restroom. The bartender agrees. After a minute the bartender jokeingly asks the first duck his name, the duck replies,” I am Larry.”

The bartender amassed at a talking duck, asks Larry the duck how his day is going, Larry replies,”well it is raining , and ducks love water.” “I have been in and out of puddles all day and loving it.”

The bartender turns to the middle duck and asks his name and how his day is going? The duck answers, “I am Curly and I love the rain and have been in puddles most of the day.”

The bartender then turns to the last duck and says, “you must be Moe, are you having a great day too?”

The last duck snaps a angry answer, “No I am not Moe, my name is Puddles, and I am having a terrible day.”

 

[Smilinbri]

Ok, stop me if you've heard this one. (and if it is already in this thread somewhere, too bad )

Superman was sitting in the Hall of Justice alone and bored. "I wonder what Batman is doing. Maybe he will want to hang out". He flies to the Batcave. "What cha doing Batman. Wanna run some RCs?" Batman replies "Nah man, I'm just hanging out".

So Superman leaves and heads to Flash Gordon's house, but he was out on a run.

He decides to fly over to Wonder Woman's pad and see what she's up to. When he gets above her place he sees her b utt naked out by the pool with her eyes closed. Maybe she's sleeping. Superman says to himself, "Hmm.....I bet I can swoop down there and get a little action real quick and be home in time for the Ozark finale. She'll never know what hit her"

So he flies down and does his thing real quick and flies away.

Wonder Woman opens her eyes and says "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible man on top of her says "I don't know but my a$$ sure does hurt."

 

[Be Ready]

I am going to sell my vacuum cleaner.
It has just been gathering dust....

 

[Be Ready]

Walked into my son's room and said, "If you keep doing that you'll go blind".
From the opposite side of the room I heard. "Dad, I'm over here".

 

[Be Ready]

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out... How do you know they're having sex?

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."