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Efficient Waiter
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place," and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "Steve, the restaurant's owner, hired a consultant to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly! He lowered his voice, "not everyone is so observant. That consultant also concluded that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
 
heads of lettuce.The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce."As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"" Canada , sir," the boy replied."Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but hookers and hockey players up there.""Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada .""No joke?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?".
 
Debunking Myths

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What’s your business at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I’m sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
Male Logic

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 ...correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your dam Ferrari then?
 
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Betty Lou: Those male enhancement drugs are really working for you.
Me: You think?
Betty Lou: Yes, you are definitely a bigger peepee today than you were yesterday.
 
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years
 
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row,
but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot,
but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
 

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