Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef..

What do you call a cow with only two legs?

Your Mom! 😎
 
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the hottest ho with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and have sex with her three times a day.”
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
“And you, Susie?” the teacher asks.
Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s ho.”
 
Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr Reiss, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"
Maggie, though very polite was also quite witty, "Why, no, Mr. Reiss" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."
 
Advice

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?", asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too.
 
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 331 million and 170 million are retired. That leaves 161 million to do the work.
There are 105 million in school, which leaves 56 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government, leaving 21 million to do the work.
2 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 19 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14 million people who work for state and city governments and that leaves 5 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 3 million people in hospitals, leaving 2 million to do the work.
Now, there are 1,999,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes
 
Perspectives have side effects, otherwise they'd have to
go by a different name ...

The next time you dislike your life, remember it's all about perspective. I know a guy who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, has no financial worries and has lovers who want to have sex with him all the time. And yet he constantly complains about how much he hates prison
 

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