Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate
links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
FEA55535-BEE7-4C5B-A6EA-A28DE09409BD.jpeg
 
A Cold Beer


I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"

I replied, "I WASN'T DONE , SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."

The reason I said “nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: “Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nads, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nads."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
 
Last edited:
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
 
Pricing Talent

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
 
Chastity Belt

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
 
One Night Marrige

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed."

"Good," she replied. "Get your own darn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
arrmadillo said:
@Be Ready after reading your last few jokes, I decided mine was lame compared to them and decided not to post, no joke! ?
Click to expand...
Lol... Don't be afraid to post a joke lame or not. I've post quite a few lame ones myself... In this time were going through... Everybody can use a good laugh. Just putting in fum in Forum... Lol!!
 
My Son's First Drink

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.
He wouldn't even smell it?. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so drunk I could hardly push his stroller back home.

*****************************************************************************************
Went to the store the other day. At the check outline the cashier pointed to a large X on the floor and told me to stand there.

I have seen WAY to many roadrunner cartoons to fall for that.
 
A visitor at a mental hospital asks the director what the criteria are for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the doctor, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket as it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” replied the director. “A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?”
 
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started
a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my
clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and
Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on
my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt.
I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison.”
 
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son.

“Don’t be nervous, son, just do your best and remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.”
 
Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass
surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns
at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had
health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."



The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law.
 
An Honest WalMart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.

When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "*(&^ no, they ain't twins!

The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the *(&^ would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."
 
The Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:





"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
 

Similar threads

#ARRMArcfanboy4life
Jokes, memes, funny stories, and funny quotes.
Replies
6
Views
806
The Bean
The Bean
Rip King MC
Post your favorite RC jokes.
Replies
5
Views
1K
AIan
AIan
Back
Top