Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

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The Color of a Woman’s Hair

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your
knee."
 
OFFICER! He’s in the Shade

On a hot summer day, a redneck cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.
The redneck cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck cowboy replies, "No way dog's in heat; he's cool cause I got'im tied under the shade of the tree." The policeman says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred." No way", the redneck cowboys says, "dog don't need bread, he's not hungry, cause I fed him beef jerky this mornin". Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck cowboy looks at him and says,
"Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"
 
A man is working at the local electronics store when a blonde woman asks for his assistance.
She tells him " I want to listen to music at night, but all you guys carry are AM/FM radios "
 
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite!.... "Rim Shot Effect applied"


What do you do if attacked by a clan of clowns? Go for the Juggler!... " Crowd goes Crazy"
 
Dating Advice

Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee
shop.

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you
went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him
before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and
he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and
what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and
all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster,
champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . .
let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns
into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress
and has his way with me.... two times!" :eek:

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are t elling me I shouldn't go
out with him?" :confused:

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
 
Barber Humor

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can
get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2
hours". The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left. A week later thesame guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said "About an hour and half."

The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey Bill, do me a
favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house".
 
Lost my cool today. I was just in Walmart and saw a dude whose cart was FULL to the brim with hand sanitizer, baby wipes, liquid soap, and toilet paper. So you know I called him a selfish &#@#$^ and gave him the lowdown about the elderly, people with kids, and disabled people who need this stuff!!. Told him I ought to stomp his butt. I could not believe Walmart was letting him get away with this! What happened to the limits? What happened to only 2 per person or whatever?

Then he said:
“Are you done? Because I really need to get back to restocking the shelves now!!
 
I'm so upset right now... I left the house this morning to go and get something to eat. Got back to the house and there are 3 state trooper cars and 6 troopers in my house. The front door is knocked off the hinges, stuff everywhere, and apparently they are looking for something. So we're stuck outside with this state trooper and the others are inside searching through everything, even our laundry. They are going through everything and tearing stuff apart. So, as you can imagine, I'm fuming, and I'm trying figure out what's going on. I asked if they had a search warrant, and if I could see it. The state trooper in my bedroom yells, "Where did you hide it at? We know it's here! We are searching, you wanna go to jail?" So I shut up and watched one of the other state troopers look down at his phone, and shouts, "Guys Stop! Hold on. We're in the wrong house! The toilet paper is next door!"
 
Fortune Teller

A woman goes to visit a fortune-teller. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the
fortuneteller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then
down
at
her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She
simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied
her voice, and asked her question:


"Will I be found guilty?"
 
Why Chief, Why
A Catholic Priest was about to leave His Mission in the jungles where he has
spent a year teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never
taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he
points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in
the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he had spent a year
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he
kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
 
A social worker from Ohio who was recently transferred to the mountains of North Georgia, was on the first tour of his new territory when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
'Anybody home?' he asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?
''Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door.
This is the outhouse!
 
Hard Earned $300. This biker bellied up to the bar moaning and groaning about how bad he needed $300. The bartender says,
"Hey, I've got a few chores I need done and if you take care of them, I'll give you $300."
The biker says, "You will?"
Bartender says, "Sure but one of them is urgent so make up your mind."
The biker says, "well, yeah sure, what do you need done?"
"First of all there's a loudmouth drunk in the next room that I need bounced out, Then my pet alligator needs to have one of her teeth pulled and last, my mother-in-law is upstairs and hasn't had a man in 3 years and needs some TLC."
"okay, no prob." The biker bounces the drunk out without breaking a sweat and says, point me to the alligator."
The bartendere says, "Out back." and was getting nervous when the biker hadn't shown back up for over an hour but finally he walked back in all scratched up and clothes all torn. He said, "Dude, that was one tough chore but I finally got it done, now where's that woman with the bad tooth?"
 
We‘re 2 months into self-isolation & it’s very upsetting to see my wife at the living room window gazing into space with tears rolling down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart. I’ve thought hard about how I can cheer her up.

I've even considered letting her in, but rules are rules!
 
What’s This Shotgun For?

This woman is drinking her coffee and reading the morning paper and sees an article about the gorrilla that escaped from the zoo. She happens to glance outside and sees the gorilla in a tree in her front yard. She checks the yellow pages and there is only one "gorilla catcher" listed so she calls him and he comes right over. He opens his van and takes out a big cage, a pit bull, a baseball bat and a shotgun which he hands to her. She asks about all the equipment and how its all going to go down and why is she holding a shotgun.
He says, "I'm going to climb up and use this bat to knock the gorilla out of the tree. This pit bull is specially trained to grab him by the nads and hold him till I get back down to lock him up." She says, "Well, that sounds like a pretty good plan but what's this shotgun for?"
He says, "Lady, if that gorilla knocks ME outta that tree, you shoot that "dang" dog."
 
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
City Lawyer vs Bubba

A slick, big-city lawyer from the Northeast runs a stop sign in a small, backwoods Southern town and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than Bubba, the deputy, because he is certain that he can outsmart him since has a much higher IQ and a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy’s expense...........



The deputy says, “License and registration, please.”


The lawyer replies, “What for?”


Deputy: “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign “


Lawyer: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”



Deputy: “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”


Lawyer: “What’s the difference?”



Deputy: “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”



Lawyer: “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go without a ticket.”



Deputy: “OK, exit your vehicle, sir.” At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-living &^^& out of the lawyer. Then, he says,


”DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?”
 
An 85 year old couple is celebrating their age and 60 years of marriage with their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. The husband says to his wife, "We've been married and loved each other for so long...so tell me the truth and I'll understand. Why do Charlie our 3rd child of 7 look so different than his siblings?" The wife's face turned bright red and she bowed her head in shame. After a few moments she managed to look up and whispered to her husband, "He's yours".
 
It’s A Job
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "hi .... you know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "your timing is just excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll
have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your
clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to
satisfy her s*xual urges. You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above
the garage. The starting salary will be $300,000 per year."

The guy, wide eyed, says, "You're joshing me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well...you started it."
 

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