Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

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Careful, Fellas

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
 
Farmers Funeral Service

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
 
Dear John Response

You gotta love a man like this, Humor in the face of defeat.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he
had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted
pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around
to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could
find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without)
to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and
send the rest back."
 
The Lawyer Signed

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.
 
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
 
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
 
I had a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn’t believe my luck!
Every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!
 
Be Ready said:
I had a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn’t believe my luck!
Every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!
Click to expand...

Let's get the Zoom thing going and get everyone connected. You do the standup and I'll laugh my ass off. ???
 
Bonus Joke of the day...

Neighbor Bob

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"


"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" OH OHoOOOO
 
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Fashion Sense

A man is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion
sense.

The man walks up to his friend and says, "I didn't
know you were into earrings".
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring", he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing it?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck." OH oOOOOH
 
Only Missed One

Bubba (from Alabama) applied for an engineering position at a Lake
Charles refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest,
but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine
questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy
I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision based not on the correct
answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put
down; "I don't know."

You put down, "Neither do I."
 
Neighbors

Eino was an older single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran, and
each Friday night after work he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a
venison steak. Now all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic - and since it was
Lent they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma
from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to
Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass and
as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said "You were born a
Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the
wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was
called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Eino's yard,
clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and
watched......

There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanting: "You were born a deer, and
raised a deer, but now you are a striped bass.
 
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper. She says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth closed that does the trick.”
 
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."


It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . We
know it today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at
them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"


Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
 

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