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If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this.

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week.

Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens asked.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!," said Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty pound King crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper smiled and said, "We're gonna pull her back up again tomorrow."
 
Three guys in a boat were fishing on Lake Erie in July when they discovered that Bob had fallen overboard. Joe says "I'll save him!" and dives overboard. After a couple of dives he comes up with the body.

Ralph says "I'll do mouth-to-mouth!"
After a couple of attempts he stops and says "Whew! I don't remember Bob having such bad breath."

Joe says, "Uh....I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile suit."
 
Teacher asked the class to use the word "Fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary in the front row raises her hand..."Yes Mary?" says the teacher....
"I read a book this weekend and I was Fascinated" says Mary.
Teacher says "Close but you did not use the exact word I was looking for, next?"

Billy in the second row raises his hand and says "My Farther took me to the zoo and it was Fascinating "
Again, the teacher says "Close, but you children are adding suffixes to the root word I am asking for."

Little Johnny in the back row waves his hand and proudly states "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons... but her boobies are so big, she can only fasten eight".
 
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.
Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
"There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead".
Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.
The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat.
The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head.
"It's definitely dead sir", says the vet.
Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes.
"That will be $1000, please".
"A $1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead!?" fumes the man.
"Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".
 
A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around.
After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.
"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him.
The further he walked, the more rats followed.
He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him.
So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store shortly.
"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor.
"You've come back for the story, right?"
"Nope," said the man.
"You have any brass Politicians?"
 
A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home.
But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson.
He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet.
The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"
 
A teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Benjamin stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."
 
A young couple get married, and agree on their honeymoon night that they each get a jar, and agree to put a kernel of corn in the jar each time they have an extra-marital affair.

Years pass. The kids come and the kids go. And as their 50th anniversary approaches, the old woman brings up the promise of the jars. "Do you remember our promise?", she asked the old man. His face sunk, but he shuffles off and comes back with a jar containing six kernels of corn. "I remembered, but I was ashamed to bring it up because I was unfaithful. And you have been such a good and lovely wife". He looks down at his wife's jar now on the table, holding only one kernel of corn and several ten dollar bills. "I can see you've been much more faithful than me. But I have to ask, honey, why is the money in the jar?"

"Well...every time I got a bushel I took it to market and sold it."
 
A man answers a knock at his door, and

He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”
 
Be Ready said:
A man answers a knock at his door, and

He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”
Click to expand...
Ricky Gervais Lol GIF
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Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells,
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever!"
"Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last!"
 
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:
Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope declined.
2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again.
This time with a 50 million dollar offer.
Again the Pope declined.
A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
The good news is… that we have 100 million dollars for charities.
The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
 

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