Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

[jkflow]

I still wonder how he managed to get all the air bubbles out, I always have some left.

 

[Cheez]

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I had no friends when I was a kid… mom tied a steak around my neck so the dog would play with me.
Every time I played in the sandbox the cat would try to bury me.

 

[Doom!]

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I had no friends when I was a kid… mom tied a steak around my neck so the dog would play with me.
Every time I played in the sandbox the cat would try to bury me.

Am I the only one who read this in Rodney Dangerfield's voice?

 

[Cheez]

Am I the only one who read this in Rodney Dangerfield's voice?

Yep! When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
What’s the difference between a bartender and a proctologist?
A proctologist only has to look at one A’hole at a time.
What’s the difference between a stagecoach driver and a bartender? Stagecoach driver only has to look at two A’holes at a time.
Yes , I was a bartender for 20+ years

 

[Diem Turner]

"Strap On" spelled backwards is
"No Parts".

 

[ChrisC]

@Diem Turner LMFAO!

 

[Just Joe]

Am I the only one who read this in Rodney Dangerfield's voice?

But did you adjust your tie?

 

[Diem Turner]

But did you adjust your tie?

I even adjust the one I'm not wearing when reading something in his voice

 

[Doom!]

Heck I haven't worn a tie in over 25 years.

 

[Be Ready]

Go to an animal shelter for a new pet and you're a saint.
Go to a womens' shelter for a new girlfriend and everybody freaks out.

 

[ChrisC]

Go to an animal shelter for a new pet and you're a saint.
Go to a womens' shelter for a new girlfriend and everybody freaks out.

Wouldn't that be like going to a scratch and dent outlet?

 

[Be Ready]

Michigan State Police announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles,
with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tons of heroin,
$12 million in forged bills and a ring of 14 prostitutes.
All in a housing project behind the Detroit Public Library.

Detroit folks were stunned.
A community organizer said:
"We are shocked ...!
We never knew we had a library! "

 

[Be Ready]

The wife and I are on one of those 30 day wonder diets....
So far we've lost 15 days!

 

[Dutch]

 

[Diem Turner]

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That's one of my favorite naval tales

 

[Be Ready]

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a bottle of water.

 

[The Bean]

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Ah yes, a classic. The priest at my local church loved that one

 

[Be Ready]

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 

[Be Ready]

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 

[Be Ready]

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.