Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

[Be Ready]

 

[Be Ready]

One spring day a bear out of hibernation, was foraging in the woods and came across a mound of tiny brown balls, the Rabbit who had left the scat there was still close by.
The Bear said out loud to himself "what is this? "
The Rabbit replied "those are smart pills".
The bear wanting to be smart ate them....
PFFFT "these taste like Poop!"
The rabbit laughed and said "See, you're already getting smart!"
...
Several month pass and the Bear is leaving his Scat logs in the woods and that very same rabbit, after not seeing each other all summer, hops up for a greeting.

"Hey Rabbit" says the bear... "Does Poop stick to your fur?"
Rabbit laughes and say's "Why No!"
The Bear grabs the rabbit and uses him like toilet paper and says "GOOD!"

 

[bicketybam]

That can't be real! ?

 

[Be Ready]

That can't be real! ?

Oh it was real... The station thought they were running the story first "Breaking News" People got fired over this without vetting the sources first.

 

[jkflow]

Not a joke but definitely entertaining.
A must see for soccer fans even those that could care less.

https://videosift.com/video/Football-tricks-in-high-heels

 

[bicketybam]

Not a joke but definitely entertaining.
A must see for soccer fans even those that could care less.

https://videosift.com/video/Football-tricks-in-high-heels

She knows how to handle balls!

 

[Be Ready]

SEC Early Signing Day Humor

Classic rivalry insults

Q: What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.

Q: What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.

Q: How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girl friend ?
A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup

Q: Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: How many Florida freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a sophomore course.

Q: What’s on an LSU banquet menu?
A: Stuffed “Turpossumskunken”.

Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up trash with the chain gang along the highways the rest of the week.

 

[Be Ready]

Paint Job

A blonde, a brunnette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles.

The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blond 4 miles. He told her not to worry, she still had a good lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile.

The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so well".
Are ya ready for this.....

She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."

 

[SKUNKWORK SC]

There is a new facelift procedure without the surgery called "The Knob".
They put a small knob in the back of your neck to tighten the wrinkles.
A woman came in and had this done without an issue and left happy.

6 months later she comes back to see the doctor who did the procedure..
The Doc asks how she's doing and how the knob is working?
The woman says, "well it's been working great but now I have heavy bags under my eyes".
So the Doc pulls out his flashlight and takes a close look...

Suprised he says, "lady those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your breasts!"

The lady says, "Oh, I guess that explains the beard."

 

[Be Ready]

Where Is He?

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile
of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian,

"Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella
that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no
coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a
shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah
couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells
. . . . .

"SUPPLIES!"

 

[Be Ready]

Thoughts.....

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

9. Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

6. Whenever I start feeling blue, I start breathing again.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

And the # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Symptoms of “senior moments” can, and quite often do, occur long before you become a senior.

 

[Be Ready]

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G'.
The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

 

[gotnitro]

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack, selling neckties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only five dollars."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me Infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two kilometers, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and said.

“They won't let me in without a tie.”

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.​

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'​

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'​

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.​

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:​

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.​

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'​

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'​

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'​

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH​

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.​

'Why?' asks the father?​

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.​

'But that's right!' says his dad.​

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''​

'What's the fugging difference?' asks the father.​

'That's what I said!'​

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH​

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'​

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'​

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'​

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'​

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR​

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.​

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it..'​

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.. She then called on little Michael.​

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'​

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.​

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fugging beautiful!''​

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'​

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'​

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, but he minded his own fugging business.'​

I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!​

 

[Be Ready]

Why Dad, Why?

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

 

[Armarookie43]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

= ground beef.
????

 

[Be Ready]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

After a few moments have passed, the man puts his cap back on and returns to his golfing.

“Wow,” his friend utters, “that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man replies, “Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.”

 

[Be Ready]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

 

[bicketybam]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

Lol!

 

[Be Ready]

A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says, “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”

The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming, “I WON I WON I WON!” She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, puts on her shirt and walks out.

The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the other, “So what did she roll?”

The other man says, “I thought you where watching?”

 

[Be Ready]

During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off.
He fixed it and asked a hostage, "Did you see my face?" The hostage had, so the thief killed him.
He asked the next hostage, same result.
After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, "No, but my wife did."